There is a conflict of interest here, a paradox of sorts. blankette starts out ‘clothes,’ the first single off of her debut album, ‘doll,’ with a slow, careful strum that is then integrated into an equally lax percussion that only relies on a very short burst of hi-hat stints and a meditative drum beat. The song is already giving you hints that this is going to be one of those songs that you ponder over long after the time you’ve listened to it. All within fifteen seconds of having started.
Then there’s a flourish with the guitar akin to a Sonic Youth track, and the vocals enter into the mix; soulful, soft, and sorrowful. The imagery is conflicting and almost even rancorous when she is singing about socially deemed feminine acts of self-care or beauty. The language is harsh and hostile: “After throwing on my makeup,” and it is indicated that these aforementioned feminine acts of care should be rushed through to get to the “real” part of life. As Theodora Lowrey is a trans woman, this depiction of practicing care that affirms your gender in a violent, vindictive, or sulky way is par for the course, as most trans people grapple with internalized transphobia, and us trans people have to accommodate the ways of the world while also wrangling with that part of ourselves because the world is reluctant to wait for you to ready yourself to face it; it just barges in.
She says she forgot to brush her teeth, but then she acknowledges that a few things about her that are innate, like her eyes and her ability to do her hair, are beautiful and good and worth mentioning. But it still breaks your heart to hear that someone has to go to all this trouble just to go outside because of a very justified, valid fear of being misperceived. “How will you see me; as a woman or not?”
The song gives up on being soft and meek the same way a person might give up on trying to appeal to standards that only serve a perception of themselves that takes such effort to cultivate. And the instrumentation swells up to a peak à la Liz Phair that leads to the declaration “I am not wearing my clothes for you.” And it is such an important epiphany that it ends up being the only part that constitutes the refrain of the song.
The second verse is truly the same as the first. As if the epiphany never happened. You are back to being subdued at a party. What you are wearing feels wrong. The attention is more honed in on each attendee, and Theodora here squeezes her partner’s hand, and that is a momentary balm, but it doesn’t last for long. What is overpowering everything else is how others see her based on what she is wearing.
The refrain comes once more. But this time you realize it is more of a reassurance than an actual epiphany. You want to believe you only dress for yourself, that you are the agent of your own understanding of yourself, but… you falter.
The song does not. The refrain gets emphatically backed up by an anthemic, stomping drum part that is still chill, but also strong – that almost resembles some of Silver Jews’ work. Chill, but strong. The way you wish you could be about this situation. Calm. Assured.
When the last notes are petering out, it sounds like she is almost mumbling this refrain to herself as a mantra, further confirming that this is a calming practice akin to a breathing exercise. A reminder that needs to be reiterated every time the same shadow appears. A shadow wearing different clothes. And you need to assert that you do not wear the clothes you do to appease that shadow or to match it. They can go fuck themselves. And you make sure to tell those shadows: I am not wearing my clothes for you.
Written by Leo August
